I Don't Like This

{continued}

...There he was, my heart started to beat faster with its routine anxiety from the weekly meetings. He approached me with his usual feebleminded smile and his regular conversation starter, “It’s good to see you” as if we don’t see each other every week. I respond with my usual, “It’s good to see you too”, with my proverbial plastered smile on my face. We exchanged the process heartless hug and were immediately sat down at the table. We swapped our preplanned  “How are you doings” and responses and ordered our food.

Lunch was more awkward than usual; it seemed as though we both had something to say but didn’t know how to say it. I ate my food slowly, thinking and trying not to say anything that would make the limited amount of conversation that we had “go left”.

What’s on your mind, he asked. Shoot… he caught me, I sat there in silence, I didn’t know what to say.  I felt my tears building up, and my chin starting to tremble. Are you going to answer me? Nothing, I manage to get out. Ok, well you tell me nothing, when I clearly know that it’s something, he replied.

I don’t know what to say, I yelled out.  Tell me what you’re thinking, he replied. I don’t like this. What, he asked. This weekly gathering, I replied. What, you don’t like the location, he asked. No it has nothing to do with the location, it’s you. Me, he says defensively. YES. You, me, us, this is fake what we do and say here every week is fake. You force me to come here to have these weekly gatherings but I don’t have anything to say to you anymore. I’m done with this, stop trying to force a relationship on me when I already told you how I felt about it.

You want me to continue to live my life in your land of denial but I can’t. Its not healthy for me or for you. You need to understand that this, is our reality and nothing about it is going to change. We sat there quietly, both of us thinking about what just transpired.

Wow, he said while contemplating his words carefully. I never understood how much this was truly over. But, your right and as hard as it is to let you go, I guess I do need to accept this and move on. I love you, don’t ever forget that.

Marquise Christina

I Don't Like This

I don’t know what to say, I yelled out.  Tell me what you’re thinking, he replied. I don’t like this. What, he asked. This weekly gathering, I replied. What, you don’t like the location, he asked. No it has nothing to do with the location, it’s you. Me, he says defensively. Yes, you, me us, this is fake what we do and say here every week is fake.

It all began this morning before we met at Denny’s for what he called our “weekly gatherings”. I woke up feeling strange, not like my usual self…I felt cold and careless. Oh no, is this the day, is this the day that I tell him how I truly feel? I cant, I wont, keep it together girl I tell myself, I’ll just go to the gathering and in a few hours it will all be over. I took a few deep breaths, nothing has changed, I still feel the same. I began to get ready trying hard to ignore the pain in my heart, “Go away “, I internally yell to myself. This is not about you.

Waiting anxiously at the restaurant I nervously tap my feet to the sound of my heartbeat.  The hostess gave me a look of pure frustration, and a face demanding me to stop.  I can’t help it, what am I going to say, what is he going to think? ...

{to be continued}

Marquise Christina

Betrayal

I can’t look at you the same. You betrayed me. I trusted you not to hurt me, but that’s exactly what you did. You’re the person that I thought I could trust the most to stand by me, and protect me, yet you’re the one that damaged me more than anyone else. You have done nothing but left me battered and bruised with so many scars that need to be heeled. I try to forget all that you have said and done but your words and actions are like burn marks embedded in the depths of my heart. I continue to shrug off my pain as if it’s an everyday commonality. The sound of your voice brings me to tears from pain and disgust. How can you go on as if what we have is ideal? Do you not see a problem, because I do? What happened to  “I love you” at the end of our conversations those words used to exist and now I feel as though they are nonexistent. We end our conversations with “bye” as if we don’t share any history together.  I wish I could tell you all of this but the sad part is that I care about you more than you do me.

Marquise Christina